I was driving home from school today listening to my music so loud that it filled the car and then I had a thought: what if I go deaf? I'd never be able to hear music again. It seems like the fact that I am hard of hearing and have to wear hearing aids and am learning ASL hit me all at once in that moment. I don't know why but it finally hit me. The magnitude of my hearing loss and the fact that it'll never get better. I can't have surgery to fix it and it'll only get worst as the years go on despite the hearing aids. I could go deaf. I could be profoundly deaf by the time I am in my forties. I couldn't deal with it. I freaked out about it a lot. The rest of the drive home was depressing with all of these thoughts running through my head. I need and love music. I use to uplift me when I'm down. What if I couldn't hear my families voices? How will I communicate with them? I'd know ASL but they won' know it. By the time I got home I got myself under control.
Why it took almost 2 years for the magnitude of being hard of hearing to hit me I don't know. From the time I found out until now my life has been jammed pack. At first I was focused on figuring out how to finance and get hearing aids. Then I started working with Hannah who was a freaking handful. She took up so much of my time and had me worrying about her all the time. That child was my life for a year and a half and I tried everything I could to help her and get her back home but it never worked out. I went on a trip to Maryland and Georgia right after I got the hearing aids. And since that time I've been dealing with an ankle issue that I've done so much for. MRI's, X-Rays, Bone Scans, rest, physical therapy. And other life events like babies being born and other stuff. It's crazy that it hit me now. I guess I've slowed down enough to be able handle being hit with this overwhelming feeling of dread. Before I wouldn't have been able to deal with that and I'm glad it just hit me now.
I was depressed for a few days but I realized that it'll be okay. I have my hearing aids. I'm learning ASL and I have a supportive family that would learn it or we'd figure out a way to communicate. It's fine.
